lighter still

Napping otter

Zoo animals.  It has been tough going for me lately so I decided visiting the zoo might help some.  It did, although I don’t enjoy being near so many lousy parents and their lousy children who tap on the glass and are generally pretty awful.  The wolf was periodically responding to the call of some distant howler and it was the most beautiful thing.  I am not always about the majesty of animals because some of them (like chimps or bears) will rip your face off if they can, but there is something lovely and sad about a wolf’s howl that is much different than other predatory animals’ calls.  It is more majestic and moving than the screeching of human children, at least.

I am fairly certain I will march into CPK on Monday and ask if they have any need of my services.  I cannot describe the overwhelming disappointment I have in myself for even thinking about this, but I also cannot describe how tired I am of financially relying on my father, or how sad it makes me that the art world is hurting so much (as it usually is) that I have to take some steps back.  As much as I feel like a failure, I am also worried that they won’t be interested in having me.  The upside of this is that I won’t have to resort to my last resort and can continue my search for a less miserable job.  But, that might also mean that I will never find a job, ever, and so will have to start working at McDonald’s because no one else will hire me.  I tell you, I have never felt so much doubt about anything in my life and it makes me feel even more sad and guilty that there are people out there who don’t have the financial support of their family to help them through unemployment and foreclosures.  

As impatient and unforgiving I can be with others, I am worse with myself.  It is no easy thing to accept and love yourself as the person that you are and I am constantly struggling with this practice, with the person that I am.  

It is my father’s birthday today and it was my brother’s birthday on Wednesday and this is the first time I haven’t been able to spend time with them around their birthdays.  All sorts of firsts since I moved out here.  As Emiliano said to me earlier today, we are all of us hurtling into the future.  It is all unknown and uncertain.


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